The Android Hell Blues (Extended)-Harry Callaghan/The Stupendium

[00:00.000] Good evening, turrets and gentle-cubes! My name is Loose-Screws Louis... [00:04.217] ...and I will be your Jazz core for this evening! [00:07.971] I'm gonna sing you a song I like to call 'The Android Hell Blues'. [00:12.873] It goes a little something like this... [00:15.357] Well, there's a place you may have heard of... [00:19.467] ...it's a tale we like to tell! [00:23.570] When folks who's code ain't up to code... [00:27.549] ...they go to Android Hell! [00:31.743] Now the devil is found deep underground - so any faith will yell! [00:38.733] [so deep below!] [00:40.137] Well Aperture happens to be 10 miles down, half-way to Android Hell. [00:47.784] So when those lemons that life gives you... [00:51.817] ...just combust to dust and fumes! [00:55.811] Buddy, life may give you lemons... [00:59.881] ...but we got oranges, and blues! [01:03.794] Oh, they gave us cores emotions! [01:08.036] But that doesn't gel at all! [01:11.863] Because all I feel's repulsion... [01:15.869] ...and I'm bouncing off the walls! [01:19.890] And each chamber full of dangers that we force upon a stranger... [01:24.529] ...to test their feeble brains or brawn! [01:28.488] Is nothing to the test if whether rust or boredom gets us... [01:32.284] ...what's it matter what side of the glass we're on?! [01:36.228] So may your Management Rail guide you... [01:40.423] ...to a better place some day! [01:44.300] Although technically they're omni-directional... [01:48.302] ...we know they all just lead one way! [01:52.199] So be you core, bot, cube or turret... [01:56.383] ...treat this Aperture factory well! [02:00.461] 'cause there's a worse fate awaitin' as your soul's emancipated... [02:04.491] ...by the grills of Android Hell! [because we can!] [02:08.019] Now I would like to take a moment here to introduce you to some of the boys in the band... [02:12.195] ...on the skins; Mr. P-Bobby Brown here! [02:18.097] Nice! [02:18.987] Over on the keys, my man; Turret designation: 314157928ZZ9-Plural-Z-Alpha! [02:29.676] Hahah! And on the horn; you all know him... [02:32.989] ...it's Companion Cubert! [02:38.469] And finally, the sweet, soulful syntax of the D-Flat Defects! [02:43.283] [Wohwohwohwohwohwohwohwoaoh!] [02:48.492] Nice, boys! [02:50.078] Now if you'll excuse me; I feel my second-verse protocol coming on... [02:56.886] And now my baby, she up and left me! [03:00.994] Told me I was just a square! [ooh no!] [03:04.997] I said "Darlin' we're both spherical!" [03:08.918] She said she wasn't programmed to care! [03:12.978] Oh yes, a life down here's a hard one! [03:17.057] Not just because of acid lakes! [03:21.017] Since my first day, had about a thousand birthdays! [03:25.580] I still ain't seen no cake! [03:29.125] Yes it's a hard life lived for that Hard-Light Bridge... [03:33.347] ...to that rail-track in the sky! [03:37.728] But there's no mistakin', it's a fall you will be takin'... [03:41.346] ...cake is not this place's only lie! [03:45.170] So when the floor gives way to ceiling... [03:49.338] ...but your back is against the wall... [03:53.827] In a loop that keeps repeating... [03:57.577] ...who can say how far you'll fall? [04:01.555] Now you've heard tell of Android Hell... [04:05.975] ...but you've got naught to fear. [04:10.050] We all live in her chambers... [04:14.218] ...we're all already here... [04:19.238] Thank you, turrets and gentle-cubes... [04:22.074] ...I will be here... all millennia.