Little Things We Share-George Carlin

[00:00.60]Well, I'll tell you what [00:03.06]Now to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, [00:06.48]Things that point out our similarities instead of our differences [00:10.23]'Cause that's all you ever hear about in this country is our differences. [00:12.92]That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking about: [00:16.05]The things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. [00:19.70]That's the way the ruling class operates in any society: they try to divide the rest of the people; [00:24.59]They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other [00:27.19]So that they, the rich, can run off with all the f*cking money. [00:30.88]Fairly simple thing. happens to work. [00:33.48]You know, anything different, that's what they're gonna talk about: [00:35.89]Race, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, [00:42.48]Anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other so that they can keep going to the bank. [00:47.35]You know how I describe the economic and social classes in this country? [00:50.68]The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. [00:55.25]The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. [00:59.28]The poor are there just to scare the sh*t out of the middle class. [01:05.17]Keep on showing up at those jobs. [01:07.86] [01:09.36]So stirring up the sh*t is something I like to do from time to time [01:14.05]But I also like to know that I can come back to these little things we have in common, [01:19.18]Little universal moments that we share separately, the things that make us the same. [01:24.46]They're so small; we hardly ever talk about them. [01:26.29] [01:26.75]Do you ever look at your watch. [01:28.79]And then you don't know what time it is? [01:33.03]And you have to look again, and you still don't know the time. [01:37.21]So you look a third time and somebody says "what time is it?" [01:39.49]You say "I don't know." [01:40.53] [01:43.68]Do you ever notice how sometimes all day Wednesday, you keep thinking it's Thursday? [01:50.45]And it happens over and over all day long, [01:53.06]And then the next day, you're all right again. [01:55.69] [01:59.00]Do you ever find yourself standing in one of the rooms in your house [02:02.44]And you can't remember why you went in there? [02:12.94]And two words float across your mind: "Alzheimer's Disease?!" [02:17.07] [02:20.70]You ever been talking to yourself and somebody comes in the room [02:23.17]And you have to make believe you were singing? [02:29.23]And you hope to God the other person really believes there's a song called [02:31.76]"What Does She Think I Am. Some Kind of Putz?!" [02:34.09] [02:37.16]Little experiences we've all had. [02:39.70]You ever been sitting in a railroad train in the station [02:42.12]And there's another train sitting right next to ya, [02:43.94]And one of them starts to move, and you can't tell which one it is? [02:47.32] [02:52.90]How about when you're out on a small boat on a windy day? [02:55.46]You ever been out rocking back and forth for three or four hours trying to keep your balance, rough seas, little boat, [03:00.10]Then you get back into the shore and you're standing on the dock [03:02.06]And you could swear there was something inside of you that was still out there rocking? [03:06.01]Did you ever try to pick up a suitcase you thought was full but it wasn't? [03:10.59]And you go pwwt. [03:12.75]And for just a split second you feel really strong. [03:15.84] [03:19.03]How about when you're looking through a chain link fence? [03:21.74]Did you ever notice if you're just the right distance from a chain link fence, [03:24.55]Sometimes it seems to go pwwt... [03:28.49]What is that? [03:30.48]How do they do that? [03:31.67] [03:34.31]Did you ever try to tell somebody they have a little bit of dirt on their face? [03:38.21]You can never get them to rub the right spot can you? [03:42.30]Say:"you got a little bit of dirt right here." [03:45.87]They always go "where? Here?" [03:50.11]And you just wanna slap the bastard! [03:52.08] [04:04.43]Do you ever notice how awful your face looks in a mirror in a restroom that has florescent lights? [04:11.14]Every cut, scrape, scratch, scar, scab, bruise, boil, bump, pimple, zit, warp, welt, and abscess you've had since BIRTH [04:18.42]All seem to come back at the same time, [04:21.27]And all you can think of is "I GOTTA GET THE F*CK OUTTA HERE!!!" [04:24.12] [04:29.93]Did you ever notice sometimes when you're walking with your arm around your date, [04:33.78]One of you has the change the way you're walking? [04:37.36]Men and women don't walk the same; one of them has to change. [04:40.82]Either the man has to walk like this [04:48.00]Or the woman has to walk like this [04:53.51]"Joey, how are you?" [04:54.59] [05:00.38]How about when you're going up a flight of stairs and you think there's one more step? [05:05.77]And you go ughh. [05:08.94]And then you have to kinda keep doing that you know, [05:12.01]So people will think it's something you do all the time. [05:15.87]"I do this all the time; it's the third stage of syphilis." [05:25.70]Same thing happens when you're going down the stairs. [05:28.44]You could swear there was one more step- pfft! [05:32.94]"Holy sh*t! My hips are in my chest!" [05:36.81] [05:50.59]When you drink grapefruit juice in the morning, do you go like this? [05:58.67]I do too! [06:00.75]Why do we drink it?! [06:03.74]It's like ice cream throat. [06:06.13]You know when you've been eating ice cream too fast [06:07.69]And you get that frozen spot in the back of your throat [06:09.98]But you can't do anything about it because you can't reach it to rub it? [06:12.58]You just have to kinda wait for it to go away? [06:14.97]And it does. then what do you do? [06:17.41]EAT MORE ICE CREAM!!! [06:19.75]WHAT ARE WE F*CKING STUPID?! [06:21.63] [06:27.30]Did you ever fall asleep on a late afternoon, you wake up after dark, [06:31.80]And you don't know what goddamn day it is? [06:40.50]Like when you have your head on a pillow. [06:42.10]Did you ever notice when you have your head on a pillow, if you close the bottom eye, the pillow is down there, [06:48.42]Then if you switch eyes, the pillow moves up there? [06:51.71]"Whoa, holy sh*t Dave! Look at this!" [06:56.38]The mystery of the moving pillow [06:59.13]I think it's related to the chain link fence mystery myself.Doowoowoo～ [07:04.41] [07:06.42]Did you ever have to sneeze while you're taking a piss? [07:12.06]It's frightening isn't it? [07:14.58]It's frightening cause actually, you can't do it! [07:17.94]It's physically impossible to sneeze while pissing. [07:21.66]Your brain won't let it happen; [07:23.86]Your brain says "STOP PISSING!!! WE'RE GOING TO SNEEZE NOW!!!" [07:31.03]'Cause your brain knows you might blow your a*shole out! [07:34.77] [07:43.74]Thank you