Rockets and ******* in the Persian Gulf-George Carlin

[00:01.78](Applause) [00:14.90]Thank you all [00:17.14]Thank you [00:17.93] [00:19.05]It's been a little while since I've been here and a couple of things had happened in that time [00:22.47]I'd like to talk a little bit about the war in the Persian Gulf. [00:26.99]Biiiiiig doings in the Persian Gulf. [00:29.41]You know my favourite part of that war? [00:30.98]It's the first war we ever had that was on every channel plus cable. [00:36.29]And the war got good ratings too, didn't it? [00:38.75]Got good ratings! [00:39.80]Well, we like war!!! We like war! [00:42.93]We're a war-like people! [00:45.35]We like war because we're good at it! [00:47.45]You know why we're good at it? Cause we get a lot of practice. [00:51.13]This country's only 200 years old and already, we've had 10 major wars. [00:55.65]We average a major war every 20 years in this country so we're good at it! [01:00.34]And it's a good thing we are; we're not very good at anything else anymore! [01:04.50]Huh? Can't build a decent car, can't make a TV set or a VCR worth a f*ck, [01:11.45]Got no steel industry left, can't educate our young people, can't get health care to our old people, [01:15.82]But we can bomb the sh*t out of your country all right! Huh? [01:20.54]We can bomb the sh*t out of your country all right? [01:23.50](Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!) [01:26.00] [01:27.09]Especially if your country is full of brown people; [01:31.84]Oh we like that don't we? That's our hobby! [01:35.18]That's our new job in the world: bombing brown people. [01:39.54]Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya, [01:41.56]You got some brown people in your country, tell them to watch the f*ck out [01:46.46]Or we'll goddamn bomb them! [01:49.53]Well when's the last white people you can remember that we bombed? [01:51.82]Can you remember the last white- can you remember ANY white people we've ever bombed? [01:56.35]The Germans, those are the only ones and that's only because they were trying to cut in on our action. [02:02.16]They wanted to dominate the world! [02:03.94]BULLSH*T! THAT'S OUR F*CKING JOB!!! [02:07.19]THAT'S OUR F*CKING JOB!!! [02:10.24](Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!) [02:14.32] [02:16.00]Now, we only bomb brown people - [02:19.04]Not because they're trying to cut in on our action - just because they're brown. [02:24.58]Now you probably noticed I don't feel about that war the way we were told we were supposed to feel about that war, [02:30.83]The way we were ordered and instructed by the United States government to feel about that war. [02:35.90]You see, I tell ya, my mind doesn't work that way. [02:40.57]I got this real moron thing I do; it's called "thinking", [02:45.81]And I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. [02:50.99]I don't just roll over when I'm told to. [02:54.44]Sad to say, most Americans just roll over on command, not me. [02:59.39]I have certain rules I live by; my first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. [03:06.38]Nothing, zero, no, [03:13.72]And I don't take very seriously, the media or the press in this country, [03:18.08]Who in the case of the Persian Gulf war were nothing more than unpaid employees of the Department of Defence, [03:23.82]And who most of the time, [03:25.48]Most of the time functioned as kind of an unofficial public relations agency for the United States government. [03:31.15]So I don't listen to them, I don't really believe in my country and I gotta tell you folks, [03:35.54]I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. [03:39.78]I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol-minded. [03:46.48] [03:47.20]Me? I look at war a little bit differently. [03:51.11]To me, war is a lot of *****-waving okay? [03:54.39]Simple thing, that's all it is, war is a whole lot of men standing out in a field waving their *****s at one another. [04:02.09]Men are insecure about the size of their d*cks and so they have to kill one another over the idea. [04:11.65]That's what all that a*shole, jock bullsh*t is all about. [04:15.67]That's what all that adolescent, macho-male posturing, [04:19.54]And strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about, it's called "d*ck fear!" [04:25.72]Men are terrified that their *****s are inadequate [04:28.74]And so they have to compete with one another to feel better about themselves [04:32.31]And since war is the ultimate competition, [04:34.54]Basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem. [04:39.04]You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger D*ck foreign policy theory at work. [04:46.43]It sounds like this: "What?! They have bigger d*cks?! BOMB THEM!!!" [04:53.41]And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the ******s are all shaped like d*cks. [05:00.07]It's a subconscious need to project the pen*s into other people's affairs. [05:05.90]It's called: "F*CKING WITH PEOPLE!!!" [05:09.59](Applause) [05:17.11]So as far as I'm concerned, that whole thing in the Persian Gulf is nothing more than a bi-ig *****-waving d*ck fight. [05:26.64]In this particular case, Saddam Hussein had questioned the size of George Bush's d*ck, [05:32.48]And George Bush has been called a wimp for so long - "wimp" rhymes with "limp" - [05:38.93]George has been called a wimp for so long, [05:40.93]That he has to act out his manhood fantasies by sending other people's children to die. Even the name. [05:48.52]"Bush". [05:51.79]Even the name, "Bush", is related to the ******** without being the ********. [05:58.78]A bush is a sort of passive, secondary, sex characteristic. [06:03.52]Now if this man's name had been George *****, [06:08.22]Well, he might've felt a little bit better about himself [06:09.83]And we wouldn't have had any trouble over there in the first place. [06:12.08] [06:12.77]This whole country has a manhood problem, biiiiiig manhood problem in the USA. [06:17.07]You can tell from the language we use; [06:19.02]Language always gives you away. [06:20.73]What did we do wrong in Vietnam? We pulled out! [06:26.44]Huh? Not a very manly thing to do is it? [06:29.15]When you're f*cking people, you gotta stay in there and f*ck them good! [06:32.21]F*ck 'em all the way! F*ck 'em 'til the end! F*ck 'em to death! [06:36.68]F*ck 'em to death! F*ck 'em to death! [06:41.24]Stay in there and keep f*cking them until they're all dead! [06:46.29]We left a few women and children alive in Vietnam and we haven't felt good about ourselves since. [06:52.65]That's why in the Persian Gulf, George Bush had to say "this will not be another Vietnam!" [06:57.98]He actually used these words, he said: "This time, we're going all the way!" [07:04.66]Imagine, an American president using the sexual slang of a 13 year-old to describe his foreign policy. [07:13.54]If you wanna know what happened in the Persian Gulf, [07:15.37]Just remember the names of the two men who were running that war: [07:19.49]D*ck Cheney and Colin Powell. [07:22.98]Somebody got f*cked in the a*s! [07:25.24](Spout) [07:30.74]Thank you, thank you [07:34.71]Thank you (very much)