Golf Courses for the Homeless-George Carlin

[00:02.02](Applause) [00:11.49]Okay, now, speaking of places to eat and what they're called or named, [00:18.19]Beverly Hills has a brand new restaurant specifically for bulimia victims. [00:23.02]It's called "The Scarf `n Barf." [00:26.00]Well, they weren't gonna call it "The Fork `n Bucket." [00:29.09]Thank God, good taste prevailed. [00:31.73]How about a restaurant for anorexics? [00:33.90]What would you call it? [00:35.23]"The Empty Plate", [00:37.76]"The Lonesome Chef", [00:39.90]"Start Without Me Guys" [00:42.36]See, somehow I can't feel sorry an anorexic you know? [00:45.39]Rich cunt don't wanna eat? [00:46.80]F*ck her [00:49.22]F*ck her [00:50.48](Applause) [00:55.24]Don't eat! I ain't give a sh*t! [00:58.25]Like I'm supposed to be concerned about this-"I DON'T WANNA EAT!!!" [01:02.75]Go f*ck yourself. [01:07.00]Why don't you lie down in front of a railroad train right after you don't eat? [01:11.17]What kind of a goddamn disease is that anyway? [01:12.97]"I DON'T WANNA EAT!!!" [01:15.88]How do we come up with this sh*t in this country? [01:18.97]Where do we get our values from? [01:20.57]Bulimia! There's another all-American disease. [01:23.40]This has gotta be the only country in the world that could ever have come up with bulimia. [01:27.07]Gotta be the only country where some people are digging in the dumpster for a peach pit, [01:31.22]Other people eat a nice meal and puke it up intentionally! [01:34.99]Where do we get our values from? I do not understand our values. [01:37.85] [01:39.52]By the way, speaking of American values, [01:41.69]Aren't we about due to start bombing some small country that only has a marginally effective air force? [01:47.28]Seems to me like we're weeks overdue to drop high explosives helpless civilians; [01:51.82]People who have no argument with us whatsoever. [01:54.28]I think we ought to be out there doing what we do best gang: making large holes in other people's countries. [01:59.46]I hate to be repetitious but we are a war-like lot. [02:02.57]We can't stand it not to be f*cking with somebody! [02:05.51]We couldn't wait for that Cold War to be over, could we? [02:07.69]Couldn't wait for the Cold War to be over so we can go and play with our toys in the sand, [02:11.27]Go and play with our toys in the sand, [02:13.52]And when we're not invading some sovereign nation or setting it on fire from the air, [02:19.29]Which is more fun for our Nintendo pilots, [02:21.98]Then-then we're usually declaring war on something here at home. [02:25.75] [02:25.93]Did you ever notice that about us? [02:26.81]We love to declare war on things here in America. [02:29.72]Anything we don't like about ourselves, we declare war on it, [02:32.50]We don't do anything about it, we just declare war on it. [02:35.43]It's the only metaphor, the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems: [02:40.54]Declaring war. [02:41.40]We have to declare a war on everything; [02:42.51]We have a war on crime, the war on poverty, the war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs, [02:47.10]But did you ever notice we got no war on homelessness? Huh? [02:50.31]No war on homelessness. you know why? [02:52.14]There's no money in that problem, no money to be made off of the homeless. [02:57.87]If you can find a solution [02:59.55]-If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporate swine [03:02.78]And the politicians could steal a couple of million dollars each, [03:05.36]You'll see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty goddamn quick, I'll guarantee you that!I'll guarantee you that! [03:11.46](Applause) [03:18.63]I got an idea! You know what they ought to do? [03:20.14]Give the homeless their own magazine. Give them their own magazine. [03:24.39]It would them feel better for one thing. [03:26.66]That's a sure sign of making it in this country; [03:29.16]Every group in this country that arrives at a certain level has its own magazine. [03:33.62]We have Working Mother Magazine, Black Entrepreneur Magazine, Hispanic Business Magazine, [03:39.24]In fact, any activity; any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country has got a f*cking magazine devoted to it. [03:47.73]Skydiving, snowmobiling, backpacking, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skeet shooting, duck hunting, jerking off, playing pool, [03:55.40]Shooting someone in the a*shole with a dart gun. they probably got a f*cking magazine for that! [04:00.45]WALKING! For Christ sakes. WAAALLLKKKIIINNNGGG!!!!!! [04:05.74]There's actually a f*cking magazine called "WALKING!" [04:10.55]"Look Dan! The new `Walking' is out! [04:15.59]Here's a good article: `Putting one foot in front of the other!'" [04:20.63]Give `em their own magazine. [04:23.10]Give `em their own magazine. [04:24.44](Applause) [04:27.67]You know what you'd call a magazine for the homeless? [04:29.35]"Better Crates and Cartons." [04:32.99]Yeah, then when they get finished reading it, they can use it to line their clothing. [04:37.09]That's a good, sound business solution isn't it? [04:39.85]That's the kind of answer you get from a conservative American businessman in this country: [04:43.40]"Yeah, let them read it. [04:44.23]When they get finished reading, they can use it to plug up the holes in the piano crates they all seem to like to live in." [04:49.38]A good, sound, practical, conservative American biiizniiiz solution. [04:56.03] [04:56.31]I got an idea about homelessness. You know what they ought to do? [04:59.08]Change the name of it. Change the name! [05:01.12]It's not homelessness, it's houselessness! [05:04.08]It's houses these people need! [05:06.10]A home is an abstract idea, a home is a setting, it's a state of mind. [05:10.10]These people need houses; physical, tangible structures. [05:13.44]They need low-cost housing [05:15.26]But where're you gonna put it? Well that's fine but where're you gonna put it? Where're you gonna put it? [05:18.64]Nobody wants you to build low-cost housing near their house. [05:22.47]People don't want it near `em! [05:23.92]We've got something in this country - you've heard of it - it's called NIMBY, N-I-M-B-Y, [05:27.54]"Not In My BackYard!" [05:30.29]People don't want anything, any kind of social help, located anywhere near `em! [05:34.67]You try to open up a Halfway House, try to open up a drug rehab or an alcohol rehab centre, try to do a homeless shelter somewhere, [05:39.37]Try to open up a little home for some retarded people who wanna work their way into the community, [05:44.93]People say "NOT IN MY BACKYARD!" [05:47.51]People don't want anything near `em especially if it might help somebody else; [05:52.64]Part of that great American spirited generosity we hear about (Pbbt!!!Pbbt!!!) [05:57.91]Great generous American spirit! [06:00.31]You can ask an Indian about that; ask an Indian - if you can find one. you gotta locate an Indian first; [06:06.48]We've made `em just a little difficult to find - or if you need current data, select a black family at random, [06:11.61]Ask them how generous America has been to them. [06:14.43]People don't want anything near `em, even if it's something they believe in, [06:18.26]Something they think society needs, like prisons! [06:20.67]Everybody wants more prisons right? [06:22.15]Everybody wants more prisons. People say "BUILD MORE PRISONS!!! [06:26.39]"But not here." [06:28.84]Well why not? What's wrong? What's the problem? What's wrong with having a prison in your neighbourhood? [06:32.67]It would seem to me like it would make it a pretty crime-free area, don't you think? [06:36.27]You think a lot of crackheads and pimps and hookers and thieves are gonna be hanging around in front of a f*cking prison?! [06:41.36]Bullsh*t! They ain't coming anywhere NEAR it!!! [06:43.80]What's wrong with these people? All the criminals are locked up behind the walls [06:46.71]And if a couple of them do break out, what do you think they're gonna do? Hang around? [06:51.43]Check real estate trends? [06:53.74]Bullsh*t! (Pwwt!) [06:54.86]They're f*cking gone! [06:56.85]That's the whole idea of breaking out of prison is to get the f*ck as far away as you possibly can! [07:02.42]Not in my backyard. [07:05.07]People don't want anything near `em. [07:08.08]Except military bases. [07:10.15]They don't mind that do they? They like that. [07:12.12]Give `em an army base, give `em a navy base, makes `em happy, why? [07:14.64]Jobs! Jobs! Self-interest! [07:17.54]Even if the base is loaded with nuclear weapons, THEY DON'T GIVE A F*CK!!! [07:21.27]They say "well, I'll take a little radiation if I can get a job!" [07:25.02]Working people have been f*cked over so long in this country, those are the kind of decisions they're left to make. [07:29.51] [07:30.31]I've got just the place for low-cost housing, I have solved this problem, I know where we can build housing for the homeless: [07:38.17]GOLF COURSES!!! [07:40.84]Perfect! Golf courses! [07:45.11]Just what we need! Just what we need: [07:49.88]Plenty of good land in nice neighbourhoods, land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity, [07:57.84]Engaged in-engaged in primarily by white, well-to-do, male businessmen [08:04.45]Who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves. [08:09.36]I am getting tired. really. getting. tired of these golfing co*ksuckers [08:18.02]In their green pants, and their yellow pants, and their orange pants, and their precious little hats, and their cute little golf carts! [08:26.07]It is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless. [08:30.39]Golf is an arrogant, elitist game and it takes up entirely too much room in this country, too much room in this country. [08:39.38](Applause) [08:46.77]It is an arrogant game on its very design alone. [08:50.12]Just the design of the game SPEAKS of arrogance! [08:52.81]Think of how big a golf course is. [08:55.02]THE BALL IS THAT F*CKING BIG!!! [08:57.69]WHAT DO THESE PIN-HEADED PRICKS NEED WITH ALL THAT LAND?!!! [09:01.02]There are over 17,000 golf courses in America, they average over 150 acres apiece, that's 3 million plus acres, 4,820 square miles. [09:10.42]You could build two Rhode Island's and a Delaware for the homeless [09:13.36]On the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist [09:18.35]There's another thing;the only blacks you'll find in country clubs are carrying trays [09:22.41]And a boring game. boring game for boring people. [09:26.68]Did you ever watch golf on television? [09:28.07]It's like watching flies f*ck! [09:33.19]And a mindless game, mindless, think of the intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this activity: [09:40.09]Hitting a ball with a crooked stick. [09:43.19]And then. walking after it. [09:47.26]And then. HITTING IT AGAIN!!! [09:50.68]I SAY PICK IT UP A*SHOLE!!! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU FOUND THE F*CKING THING!!! [09:54.07]PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET AND GO THE F*CK HOME!!! YOU'RE A WINNER!!! YOU'RE A WINNER!!! YOU FOUND IT!!! [09:58.94]No... (Applause) [10:03.18]Never happens. [10:05.38]No. no chance of that happening; [10:08.00]Dorko in the plaid knickers is going to hit it again and walk some more. [10:12.94]Let these rich c*cksuckers play miniature golf. [10:16.78]Let `em f*ck with a windmill for an hour and a half or so. see if there's really any skill among these people. [10:23.77]Now I know there are some people who play golf who don't consider themselves rich. [10:27.92]F*CK `EM!!! [10:30.21]And shame on them for engaging in an arrogant, elitist pastime. [10:35.10] [10:35.80]Hey! Here's another place we can put some low-cost housing: [10:39.69]CEMETARIES!!! [10:42.02]There's another idea whose time has passed! [10:44.84]Saving all the dead people up for one part of town?! [10:48.55]What the hell kind of a medieval, superstitious, religious, bullsh*t idea is that?! [10:52.54]Plough these motherf*ckers up, plough into the streams and rivers of America; we need that phosphorous for farming! [10:58.86]If we're going to recycle, LET'S GET SERIOUS!!! [11:02.33](Applause)) [11:04.31]Thank you [11:09.92]Thank you [11:11.66]I appreciate it