The Planet Is Fine-George Carlin

[00:00.64]I appreciate that [00:02.89]Good, I'll have a little sip of this. [00:03.91]The water, I assume, is still safe to drink in New York, huh? [00:06.92](No..) [00:11.07]Actually, actually I gotta be fair with you; I'm only setting you up a little bit. [00:14.71]It's just... it's not a trick question but it's just a set-up [00:17.29]'Cause I don't really care about the water, to tell you the truth, [00:19.44]I just love to hear the answer to that question. [00:22.04]I ask that question everywhere I go. [00:23.90]Everywhere I go, I say: "How's the water?". [00:25.68]Haven't got a positive answer yet. Not one. [00:28.96]Last year, I was in 40 states, 100 cities. [00:31.97]Not one audience was able to say to me: [00:34.01]"Yes, enjoy some of our fine local water! [00:38.30]It is pure and it is good!" [00:41.09]Of course, I know a lot of people don't talk that way anymore [00:44.01]But nobody trusts the local water supply. [00:47.04]Nobody! And that amuses me, I like that, [00:50.61]I admit I'm a bit perverted [00:52.95]But it amuses me that no one can really trust the water anymore [00:57.79]And the thing I like about it the most is: [00:59.86]It means the system is beginning to collapse and everything is slowly breaking down. [01:07.89]I enjoy chaos and disorder [01:10.76]Not just because they help me professionally [01:12.88](Laugh) [01:15.35]They're also my hobby. [01:17.30]You see, I'm an entropy fan. I'm an entropy fan. [01:20.74]When I first heard of entropy in high school science, [01:22.48]I was attracted to it immediately. [01:24.75]When they told me that in nature, all systems are breaking down, [01:28.14]I thought: "What a good thing! What a good thing! [01:31.12]Perhaps I can make some small contribution in this area myself." [01:35.29]And of course, it's not just in nature, in this country, the whole social structure. [01:40.77]Just beginning to collapse, you watch; [01:43.80]Just beginning now to come apart at the edges and the seams [01:47.58]And the thing I like about that is that it means it makes the news on television more interesting, [01:52.57]Makes the television news more exciting, makes it more fun. [01:55.28]I watch television news for one thing and one thing only: entertainment! [01:58.40]That's all I want from the news: entertainment! [02:00.76]You know my favourite thing on television? Bad news! [02:03.09]Bad news and disasters and accidents and catastrophes. [02:05.54]I wanna see some explosions and fires! [02:07.07]I wanna see sh*t blowing up and bodies flying around! [02:10.64]I'm not interested in the budget; [02:12.53]I don't care about tax negotiations; [02:14.57]I don't wanna know what country the f*cking Pope is in! [02:17.74]But you show me a hospital that's on fire and people on crutches are jumping off the roof and I'M A HAPPY GUY!!! [02:23.45]I'M A HAPPY GUY!!! I'M A HAPPY GUY!!! [02:28.94]I wanna see a paint factory blowing up! [02:31.28]I wanna see an oil refinery explode! [02:33.41]I wanna see a tornado hit a church on Sunday! [02:37.96]I wanna see some guy running through the K-Mart with an automatic weapon firing at the clerks! [02:43.38]I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen! [02:46.61]I wanna hear about a nuclear meltdown! [02:48.31]I wanna know the stock market dropped 2000 points in one day! [02:51.69]I wanna see people under pressure! [02:54.62]Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping. exciting sh*t! [02:58.92]My kind of TV! I just want some entertainment! [03:01.48]It's just the kind of guy I am! It's the kind of guy I am! [03:05.07]You know what I love the most? [03:06.26]When big chunks of concrete and fiery wood are falling out the sky and people are running around trying to get out of the way! [03:12.31]Exciting sh*t! [03:13.31]That's why I watch�auto-racing. [03:15.04]That's the only reason I watch auto-racing: [03:16.79]I'm waiting for some ACCIDENTS man!!! [03:19.62]I wanna see some cars on fire! [03:22.06]I don't care about a bunch of redneck *******s driving 500 miles in a circle! [03:26.84]500 miles in a circle? [03:28.95]Children can do that for Christ sakes! [03:31.13]Doesn't impress me! [03:32.34]I wanna see some schmuck with his hair on fire running around punching his own head [03:36.47]Trying to put it out! [03:38.34]I wanna see the pits explode! [03:42.37]I wanna see a car doing a 200mph cartwheel! [03:45.66]Hey, where else besides auto-racing am I gonna see a 23 car collision and not be in the son of a *****?! [03:52.66]And if a car flies out of control, lands in the stands and kills 50 spectators, [03:56.52]FINE, F*CK `EM!!! [03:58.57]Serves `em right; they paid to get in, let `em take their chances with everybody else! [04:03.07]Just means more fun for me! More fun for me! [04:07.26]Hey, at least I admit it. At least I admit it. [04:09.69]Most people won't admit to those feelings. [04:11.27]Most people see something like that on television, they'll say: "Oh isn't that awful? Isn't that too bad?" [04:14.69]Pbbt! Lying a*shole! Lying a*sholes! [04:21.30]You love it and you KNOW it! [04:22.78]EXPLOSIONS ARE FUN!!! [04:24.65]And hey, the closer the explosion is to your house, the more fun it is! [04:28.86]Did you ever notice that? [04:29.64]Sometimes, you have the TV on and you're working around the house, [04:31.83]Some guy comes on television and says: [04:33.44]"6,000 people were killed in an explosion today." [04:36.29]You say: "Where?! Where?!" [04:37.60]He says: ".in Pakistan." [04:39.07]You say: "Aww f*ck Pakistan! Too far away to be any fun!" [04:44.28]But if he says it happened in your hometown, [04:45.79]You'll say: "WHOA!!! HOT SH*T!!! COME ON DAVE; LET'S GO LOOK AT THE BODIES!!! LET'S GO LOOK AT THE BODIES!!!" [04:51.96]I love bad news! I love bad news! [04:55.19]Hey, the more bad news there is, the faster this system collapses. [04:59.29]Fine by me! Fine by me! [05:02.40]Don't bother my a*s! Don't bother my a*s none! [05:05.79]I'm glad the water sucks. I'm glad it sucks. [05:08.57]You know what I do about it? I drink it! [05:11.40](Applause) [05:16.23]Unless, unless it really smells, if it really smells a lot like sulphur, then I might buy a soda. [05:25.61]But it's gotta be a soda loaded with chemical additives! [05:29.51]I like a lot of chemical additives in the things I eat and drink! [05:32.02] [05:32.48]See, I'm not one of these people who's worried about everything. [05:35.49]You got people like this around you? [05:36.88]Countries full of them now: people walking around all day long, every minute of the day, worried about everything! [05:43.84]Worried about the air; worried about the water; worried about the soil; [05:46.95]Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; [05:50.75]Worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos; worried about saving endangered species. [05:56.24] [05:56.74]Let me tell you about endangered species all right? [05:59.51]Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control nature. [06:05.85]It's arrogant meddling; it's what got us in trouble in the first place. [06:09.18]Doesn't anybody understand that? [06:10.80]Interfering with nature. [06:12.96]Over 90%...over way over 90% of all the species that have ever lived on this planet, ever lived, are gone! [06:21.23](Whoosh!) [06:22.63]They're extinct! [06:24.56]We didn't kill them all; [06:27.50]They just disappeared. [06:29.99]That's what nature does. [06:32.11]They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day; and I mean regardless of our behavior. [06:37.27]Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today will be gone tomorrow.� [06:43.29]Let them go gracefully. [06:45.81]Leave nature alone. [06:47.79]Haven't we done enough? [06:49.40] [06:49.98]We're so self-important, so self-important. [06:52.94]Everybody's gonna save something now: [06:55.19]"Save the trees! Save the bees! Save the whales! Save those snails!" [07:01.13]And the greatest arrogance of all: "Save the planet!" [07:04.59]What?! Are these f*cking people kidding me?! [07:07.92]Save the planet? [07:08.64]We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet! [07:11.08]We haven't learned how to care for one another and we're gonna save the f*cking planet?! [07:15.69]I'm getting tired of that sh*t! Tired of that sh*t! [07:19.51](Applause) [07:20.48]I'm tired of f*cking Earth Day! [07:22.59]I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; [07:25.79]These White, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. [07:32.62]People trying to make the world safe for their Volvo's! [07:35.54]Besides, environmentalists don't give a sh*t about the planet. [07:39.16]They don't care about the planet; Not in the abstract they don't.Not in the abstract they don't [07:42.82]You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live; their own habitat. [07:49.60]They're worried that someday in the future, [07:51.09]They might be personally inconvenienced. [07:53.60]Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me. [07:56.62]Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet, nothing wrong with the planet. [08:01.50]The planet is fine; [08:03.36]The people are F#CKED! [08:04.96](Applause) [08:06.23]Difference! Difference! The planet is fine! [08:10.62]Compared to the people, The planet is doing great: [08:13.76]Been here four and a half billion years! [08:15.65]Do you ever think about the arithmetic? [08:17.05]The planet has been here four and a half billion years. [08:19.98]We've been here what? 100,000? Maybe 200,000? [08:24.36]And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over 200 years. [08:28.19]200 years versus four and a half billion. [08:31.33]And we have the conceit to think that somehow, we're a threat? [08:35.14]That somehow, we're going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun? [08:41.11]The planet has been through a lot worse than us. [08:43.98]Been through all kinds of things worse than us: [08:46.93]Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drifts, solar flares, sunspots, [08:51.98]Magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles, [08:55.17]Hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, [08:59.32]Worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages... [09:05.03]And we think some plastic bags? [09:09.06]And some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? [09:13.16](Applause) [09:14.76]The planet...the planet... [09:20.95]The planet isn't going anywhere; [09:24.43]We are! We're going away! [09:28.70]Pack your sh*t, folks! [09:31.29]We're going away [09:33.08]And we won't leave much of a trace either, thank God for that. [09:36.37]Maybe a little Styrofoam, maybe. Little Styrofoam. [09:40.49]The planet will be here, we'll be long gone; just another failed mutation; just another closed-end biological mistake; [09:47.33]An evolutionary cul-de-sac. [09:49.44]The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas, [09:53.98]A surface nuisance. [09:56.90](Wffooo~) [09:59.31]You wanna know how the planet's doing? [10:01.14]Ask those people in Pompeii who are frozen into position from volcanic ash [10:07.44]How the planet's doing. [10:09.99]Wanna know if the planet's all right? [10:10.98]Ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places [10:14.37]Buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble [10:17.11]If they feel like a threat to the planet this week? [10:22.24]How about those people in Kilauea, Hawaii who build their homes right next to an active volcano [10:27.03]And then wonder why they have lava in the living room? [10:29.73] [10:33.44]The planet will be here for a long, long, long time after we're gone [10:39.58]And it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself 'cause that's what it does. [10:43.94]It's a self-correcting system. [10:46.25]The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, [10:49.10]And if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: [10:56.26]The Earth plus Plastic. [10:59.31]The Earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. [11:02.50]Plastic came out of the Earth; the Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. [11:06.98]Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place: it wanted plastic for itself, [11:14.39]Didn't know how to make it, needed us. [11:17.85]Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question: "Why are we here?" [11:24.10]Plastic, a*sholes! [11:27.63] [11:29.72]So the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. [11:35.20]And I think that's really started already, don't you? [11:37.94]I mean, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat; [11:41.40]Something to be dealt with, and I'm sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism. [11:46.04]Like a beehive or an ant colony can muster a defense, I'm sure the planet will think of something. [11:49.73]What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species? [11:55.50]Let's see...viruses! [11:57.06]Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. [12:00.72]And the viruses are tricky; always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. [12:06.39]Perhaps this first virus could be one that-that compromises the immune system of these creatures. [12:11.74]Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus [12:13.40]Making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along [12:17.25]And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction. [12:22.36] [12:23.34]Well, that's a poetic note. [12:25.66]And it's a start and I can dream can I? [12:28.95]So I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. [12:33.90]I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we won't ever understand, a higher order. [12:39.42]Call it what you want. You know what I call it? [12:41.98]The big electron, the big electron. [12:45.82][Imitates electronic hum] [12:52.10]It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. [12:56.25]It just is and so are we... for a little while. [13:00.28]Thanks for being with me for a little while tonight. [13:02.64](Applause) [13:04.85]Thank you, thank you very much, thank you [13:09.13]Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, and take care of somebody else [13:15.52]Thank you, good night!