I Always Thought I Would Be Okay-Hotel Books

[00:08.66]I tried to capture my emotions on paper and was told I was misdirected, [00:14.22]But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation [00:20.23]Of the comfort I've developed with negligence. [00:23.73]'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out, [00:27.37]But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home, [00:31.51]She is now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine [00:35.71]And praying I could tell her all the things I planned on saying. [00:39.86]And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression. [00:46.89]It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken. [00:50.43] [00:51.09]And the most sense I can make of this world [00:53.72]Has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen [00:57.61]To being the pain in my heart and my head. [01:02.11]And I never meant to write words [01:04.04]That would make people feel like crying, [01:06.26]I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying. [01:12.19]And I have slowly tapped the brakes on working [01:15.22]And pushed my foot down on letting go. [01:17.81]And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working. [01:23.43]I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that in telling. [01:27.26] [01:28.68]'Cause the things that got me focused on hope [01:31.97]Were her smile and that beautiful California weather, [01:35.81]But that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine, [01:40.06]I feel like I don't have anything left. [01:43.20]I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder [01:47.95]That this could all be another thing I'm believing [01:51.29]Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone. [01:55.89] [02:00.39]Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need [02:04.28]To over think just to feel like anything real is happening. [02:08.17]And having to cover every base without any blind faith, [02:12.53]Just so I can know I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me, [02:18.81]And me only. [02:21.64]But then out of nowhere, [02:23.37]When I finally feel at peace [02:25.18]And make sense of all these things, [02:27.15]It's at that moment [02:28.97]That I miss everybody who ever loved me. [02:32.16] [02:33.67]But somehow, the weather feels more sunny, [02:36.75]And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running, [02:41.57]And flowing, and livestock is growing, [02:44.70]My heart is showing, [02:46.12]My heart is glowing. [02:48.10]So why do I still feel so lonely? [02:50.73]Maybe because the words I put on paper [02:54.01]Are not filling up my heart, [02:55.89]And it's still empty. [02:57.41] [02:59.28]And darling, [03:00.24]I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy, [03:04.59]I just didn't want you to be happier than me. [03:08.74]But I guess I'm just not that lucky. [03:11.42] [03:14.15]And this pain may not be escaping, [03:16.47]And I may still be hurting, [03:18.20]But that's okay, [03:19.67]Because at least I'm living. [03:25.13]And I can see that some day it will be ending, [03:28.47]Even if it's not today, [03:30.23]I'll be set free. [03:32.51]So forgive me, [03:33.77]I'm usually much more encouraging, [03:35.74]But until then, [03:36.75]Just promise me you won't leave. [03:40.26]Cause heart may feel empty, [03:43.95]But every time I tell myself I'm alone, [03:47.03]I know that I'm just lying. [03:52.79]Cause even though my heart feels empty, [03:55.22]The walls hold photos of beautiful memories. [03:58.16] [03:58.71]And if I hurt so bad now, [04:00.07]I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing. [04:04.64]She may not be next to me, [04:07.16]But this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me. [04:10.81]So heartache, [04:12.11]Thank you for still believing in me. [04:16.93]You're not a problem, [04:19.45]You are my sanity. [04:22.88]And I love you for it.