Love Is…-Bo Burnham

[00:00.00] Uhm, so this next song is about love, appropriately. [00:09.15]I love you like kings love queens, [00:11.94]Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes [jeans]. [00:16.11]I need you like New Orleans needs a drought, [00:18.15]Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out. [00:20.91]And I want you, yeah, [00:22.65]Like a lawyer-slash-mathematician wants some kind of proof. [00:25.38]And I want you, yeah, [00:27.15]Like JFK wanted [00:30.33]A car with a roof. [00:35.19]Because love is taking that dive, [00:37.89]Then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool. [00:40.41]And love is a real-life porn, [00:43.05]Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool. [00:45.24]And love is a homeless guy, searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and, [00:50.52]Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and, [00:55.38]Even though he's heart broken, he can't complain 'cause he was hungry in the first place. [01:03.90]Because I love you like Dora loves maps, [01:06.63]Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps. (Just's a little one.) [01:12.60]I need you like a voyeur needs a branch, [01:14.64]Like boys tossing salad need a little bit of Neverland Ranch. [01:21.48]And I want you, yeah, [01:22.92]Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform. [01:27.12]And I want you like Anne Frank wanted [01:31.02]Nobody to read her ****ing diary. [01:34.50]'Cause a diary is a collection of secret things that no one's supposed to read, that's the whole point of a diary. Millions of people that breached this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazis; kick her while she's down. [01:45.93]And if we met in 10,000 BC, [01:48.54]I was your caveman, you's my cavelady. [01:51.45]If we got hot, we'd start rubbing, [01:55.59]If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing. [01:57.84]There's woolly mammoths, but I will protect us, [02:00.09]You're making me devolve to a homo erectus, mother****er. [02:03.87]And if we met in 1780, [02:06.03]I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady...slave. [02:14.70]Whenever I could get away from the missus, [02:16.50]I go to your shed and then I'd steal you kisses. [02:19.02]But let's be serious, I'd still work you full-time as a slave, there's a difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for socio-economic trends. [02:28.38]And if we met in 1941, [02:30.45]I was a Nazi, you's a Gypsy on the run (That's a little redundant). [02:35.04]That... probably wouldn't have worked out. [02:42.42]Because... [02:43.56]Love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. [02:47.79]And love is the Holocaust, 'cept you don't die quick and you don't get thinner. [02:52.44]And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles, [02:57.24]And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape, [03:02.07]Now you don't want to reduce it at all cause if the rape rate declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales. [03:08.91]Without rapists, who's gonna buy your whistles? [03:13.74]Yeah, love is all about... [03:20.10]Whistles. Thank you. [03:29.94][Talking to Audience] [03:32.52]Uh, that one was a bit vulgar, but uh, you know, mother****ers and mother****ers are sorta like Coke and Pepsi, you know? Ah, I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same.