Intro-Bo Burnham

[00:00.00]Intro （）-Bo Burnham [00:08.920]This is Bo Burnham [00:12.230]He's 22years old [00:15.487]He's a male and he looks like the genetic product [00:19.794]Of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres [00:24.583]He has a gigantic head and tiny n*****s [00:29.662]He's isolated himself over the last five years in the pursuit of comedy [00:35.280]And in doing so has lost touch with reality [00:42.726]You're an a*****e Bo You hear me [00:48.796]You think you know better than me [00:51.846]You think you know better than everybody [00:55.866]You will die alone and you will deserve it [01:01.415]But in the meantime you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours [01:07.594]See if that helps [01:21.934]You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny [01:28.73]But now you're contraction-ally obligated [01:31.233]So dance you ****ing monkey [01:35.642]Dance monkey dance [01:37.231]Welcome to the show [01:38.201]This is Bo this is his show [01:40.51]And Bo likes to dance like this [01:43.261]Welcome to the show this is Bo [01:44.940]This is his show and Bo takes off his pants like this [01:49.290]Play an invisible drum [01:52.80]Play an invisible trumpet trumpet sound [01:55.79]Drink some invisible water [01:57.868]Oh shit That water's real [02:01.258]Bo wants to make you feel comfortable [02:04.147]Bo wants to make you feel comfortable [02:07.416]Bo wants to make you feel comfortable [02:10.66]So sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose of [02:13.245]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:16.264]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:19.294]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:22.274]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:25.243]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:28.221]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:31.41]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:34.781]Prolonged eye contact [02:37.181]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:40.351]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:43.311]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact [02:46.31]Lick your lips to make it more comforting [02:48.710]Do you want to see a magic trick [02:51.859]Do you want to see a magic trick [02:54.868]Do you want to see a magic trick [02:57.858]Then pick a card any card-Psyche [03:01.327]Magic isn't real you idiot read a book [03:04.316]Magic isn't real you idiot read a book [03:07.344]Magic isn't real you idiot read a book [03:10.262]Magic isn't real or is it [03:16.482]And at that moment [03:18.631]Bo's 20year old cynicism melted into childlike wonder [03:24.889]He never knew there could be so much magic in the world [03:29.919]It's a world of possibilities Bo [03:33.438]What do you want to do first Run [03:36.708]Yeah sure you can run [03:38.907]Fly Well yeah you can fly [03:43.456]What What are you what the **** are you do [03:45.973]What the **** are you doing [03:47.532]Stop st-stop it [03:49.570]What the f-you ****ing idiot stop stop stop [03:55.47]Anyways In the distance Bo saw a beautiful fairy [04:00.175]A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud [04:02.335]About being called one in high school [04:05.534]He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard [04:09.863]Bo knew he'd have to answer a riddle to get by [04:13.323]The troll spoke thus: [04:16.922]Alright for the last time man I'm not a troll I'm homeless [04:19.991]Ok do you have any spare change [04:23.580]Ok that's a used napkin I don't want that [04:26.379]No no stop just you know what leave just leave please leave ' [04:32.629]And then as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage [04:38.107]He saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him [04:42.756]And the pentacorn spoke thus: [04:47.315]Hello Bo I've been looking for you for quite a long t-ugh ' [05:07.985]He was safe for now [05:11.384]But the dark thoughts would soon return [05:17.494]It's Godzilla [05:42.607]It's so hard to be a lizard [05:48.807]It's hard to be a lizard [05:54.526]Tiny arms itchy gizzard [06:00.905]It's hard to be a lizard [06:08.444]But it's harder to segue [06:10.363]Is he skiing or is he in a gay porn [06:13.62]Is he skiing what or is he in a gay porn [06:16.250]Is he skiing huh or is he in a gay porn [06:19.459]Here's a hint he's in a gay porn [06:22.328]Ok Bo this miming shit is getting pretty annoying [06:26.717]So give them the real thing [06:28.827]My voice is so ****ing natural [06:34.76]It's naturally good [06:35.706]Naturally good [06:38.715]Naturally good [06:41.725]This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show [06:45.524]Welcome to the show [07:01.693]That lizard part was pretty ****ing stupid [07:06.721]We're recording part of the CD tonight and yeah [07:09.440]Good to start off with eight minutes of mime jokes for the CD [07:15.19]I want to start off with a joke for the fellas [07:16.369]I don't feel like I connect with my men [07:18.389]In the audience as well as [07:19.199]I do with my prepubescent girls [07:21.308]So where my fellas at Fellas [07:24.828]Yo fellas don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's d**k [07:28.507]And he ends up being a faggot Am I right [07:31.707]These ****ing faggots with their tasty d**ks [07:33.916]Alright if you'd like to leave during [07:40.176]The show the exit signs are marked clearly in red [07:43.45]Sort of a orangish/reddish/fiery red [07:45.175]So we'll be ****ed if we need them [07:46.795]But we can see them now [07:55.243]This show is called 'what ' [07:56.482]And I hope there are some surprises geez [07:59.512]I knocked the water over by accident [08:01.271]He meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah [08:03.859]But you all thought it was an accident [08:06.458]But he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah [08:09.198]Art is lie nothing is real [08:11.235]So it's called 'what 'and it's about hey cool it [08:14.394]He meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah [08:16.752]But you all thought it was an [08:18.610]Just take it off repeat and it won't repeat [08:21.870]This is the good thing [08:22.619]We can edit all this in the actual CD recording [08:24.568]He meant to play the track again yeah yeah yeah [08:27.198]But you all thought it was an accident [08:29.897]But he meant to play the water track again-gain-gain [08:32.466]Art's still a lie nothing's still real [08:34.335]What's the deal with segues [08:36.544]Food jokes [08:40.314]How you guys doing up in the nosebleeds up top [08:44.464]Yes the nosebleeds where the c*****e is done [08:47.843]I had a hotdog for breakfast [08:50.673]In Madison actually this morning [08:53.172]And yeah afterwards I felt like this whoa whoa [08:59.80]Because I couldn't control my stools Alright Jesus [09:06.790]For the people listening I moved the stool around a lot [09:12.309]This is gonna get difficult [09:15.468]But I'm glad you like poop-based puns [09:16.687]That'll be a majority of the show so [09:21.137]Never waste a moment [09:21.577]Every moment can become a comedy moment see [09:25.667]Thank you so much I am